


Don’t Ask Me How I’ve Been

by AuKestrel



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Snowpiercer (2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, Crossover, Fix-It, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-07 21:32:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5471498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuKestrel/pseuds/AuKestrel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It would be crazy to say he just appeared, but that was exactly what happened. There was no alarm, no doors banging, no guards. Edgar had been refereeing the ball game between Timmy and Andy, so he hadn't been looking, particularly. But then there was a movement in the corner of his eye, and there was a man standing there  where there wasn't any one before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. We'll Be In Our Bunks

**Author's Note:**

  * For [indiefic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/indiefic/gifts).



> At last I can add the soundtrack (which I figured would have been a dead giveaway). Thanks to theamusedone for plottiness, and rattlecatcher and Rj for read through and comments. 
> 
> Soundtrack: Driver 8, R.E.M.; Jumping Someone Else's Train, the Cure; Wake Me Up, Avicii; Twice Around The Island, Duke Special; Road Trippin', Red Hot Chili Peppers; Winter Night, Tristen; Cant Get There From Here, R.E.M.; Feel The Machine, the Chalets; Don't Ask Me, OK Go.
> 
> There are some canonical deaths, although fewer than in the film. If certain parts of the film upset you, just remember that there is canon divergence in this story (i.e., yes, I was also upset).

 

It would be crazy to say he just appeared, but that was exactly what happened. There was no alarm, no doors banging, no guards. Edgar had been refereeing the ball game between Timmy and Andy, so he hadn't been looking, particularly. But then there was a movement in the corner of his eye, and there was a man standing there  where there wasn't any one before. He was tall, with dark hair and a long coat, but he looked less confused than Edgar felt. He grabbed the ball, staring at the man, and Timmy looked over to see what was happening.

"Who are you?" he said. "Are you from the front?"

"How did you get here?" Edgar said, because really, that was more important. "Are you here to see Gilliam?"

"The man smiled, a broad grin with white teeth, and said, "I'm sure I am."

"Are you from the front?" Timmy said again.

"Of course he is," Andy said impatiently, trying to jump up and grab the ball from Edgar. "Look how clean he is."

"The front?" the man said. "As in... the war?"

"The train," Timmy said impatiently, elbowing Andy out of the way. "It's my turn, you know it is. The front of the train." He said it slowly, like the man was stupid and Timmy had no more time for him. Edgar gave the ball over into Timmy's hands and looked the man up and down.

"I'm Jack," the man said, and held out his right hand.

Edgar stared at it for a moment, partly because it was so clean and partly because he wasn't quite sure what he was supposed to do. "Edgar," he said finally, extending his own right hand.

The man - Jack - took his hand and gripped it for a few seconds, moving it up and down. His hand was warm and strong and now, closer to him, Edgar could smell an intoxicating scent from him. His insides started to tighten and he fought the impulse to curl up around his groin and have at it. This was more important than that.

"Are you from the front?" Edgar asked.

"No," Jack said. "I'm looking for someone who got lost a long time ago."

"If you're not from the front, where are you from?" Timmy said, crowding in between Jack and Edgar.

"Outside?" Jack said, but Edgar knew - without knowing how he knew - that Jack didn't really mean it, had no idea what "outside" meant. No idea, really, any more than Edgar, or Timmy, or any of the train babies had.

"No, you're not," Timmy said, scoffing. Andy tried to grab the ball from him and they rolled off into a scuffle. "Edgar! Tell him it's mine!"

"Andy, you little scrounger," Edgar said over his shoulder. "Enough. You know it's his turn." He knew Gilliam and Curtis were still talking, low-voiced, behind Gilliam's curtain. They were the two who needed to know about Jack. "Come on, Jack."

They threaded their way back through the tail section. Almost everyone was in their bunks now, finishing off their protein bars, but as Edgar came through with Jack in his wake, the murmurs started. By the time they got to Gilliam's curtain, it was like they were being counted off, but in reverse. Everyone who could crowd into the last car did. Jack looked over his shoulder a few times, but said nothing.

"Is he from the front?" Tanya whispered, tugging on Edgar's arm.

"He must be," someone else whispered.

Grey was crouched in the narrow passageway above Gilliam's curtain, and he looked Jack up and down sharply. Edgar shrugged and Grey nodded, imitating Edgar's shrug.

"Curtis!" Edgar said, raising his voice. He didn't quite dare address Gilliam so peremptorily; only Curtis seemed to have the stones to regularly argue with Gilliam.

The murmurs beyond the curtain stopped abruptly. "Edgar! I told you, this is no place for you."

"No," Edgar said. "There's someone here to see you. Both." He was reaching for the curtain but Curtis had already grabbed it and swept it aside.

"Edgar-" He stopped dead, looking Jack up and down, and Jack looked him up and down in return. Then came a return of that smile, that blinding smile.

"Curtis?" he said. "I'm Jack." He stretched slightly, looking over Curtis' shoulder; Edgar noticed then that they were much the same height. "And... Gilliam?"

Gilliam came forward, just a step or two, and peered up at Jack.

"Gilliam," Jack said. "I like it. How have you been? If you were trying for the Orient Express, I'd say you missed by a couple hundred years and several classes. What are you doing in steerage?"

"Do I - do I know you?" Gilliam said, and he sounded as unsure as he looked.

"No, no, of course not," Jack said. "At least, you don't know me yet. I was sent to find you."

"From the front?" Curtis said, his eyes narrowed. Edgar realized he was pushing Gilliam back and pushing Jack away at the same time all at once, so subtly Edgar almost hadn't noticed.

But Jack noticed. He looked Curtis up and down again and smiled, much more gently this time. "No, I'm not from the front. Of the train. No. I'm from outside."

He said it with more assurance this time, but it was clear he still had no idea what he was saying.

"No, you're not," Curtis said, folding his arms across his chest. Normally at this point Edgar would go to stand beside him but there was something about Jack that didn't feel at all like a threat.

"I really, really am," Jack said, patiently and with a thread of humor in his voice that made Edgar want to smile. There was no laughter in the tail section, not much, anyway, and Edgar often wondered if there was laughter elsewhere in the train. "I need to talk to... Gilliam."

"Whatever you have to say to him you can say to me," Curtis said.

"I'm not from here," Jack said. "I'm from elsewhere entirely. Well, in a manner of speaking, I'm from _here_ , but I'm not from _now_."

"From a different... time, like?" Edgar said, because it sounded like that's what Jack meant.

"Oh, Christ," Curtis said. "Edgar, I don't know where you found the clothes or how you pulled this off, but we've got real problems right now-"

Edgar was stung at the same time he was proud that Curtis would think he could pull off something like this. "I only wish! If I could conjure some prank like this, we'd all be eating steak in the front section!"

"Lobster," Tanya said behind him, longing in her voice. "With _butter_."

"You can't be from outside," Curtis said, overriding them all and not so very patiently at that. "There is no outside. The train doesn't stop."

"...no windows," Jack said softly, almost like he was talking to himself. "This must have been the...  WD40? No, wait, the CW7, that was it. But..." He looked up at Curtis then. "But why all... this? There's no... there's no reason for this. If it's a closed system and there are population controls in place, no one should have to live like this. Doctor..." He stopped talking and looked straight at Gilliam but no one, not even Gilliam, seemed to know who he was talking to.

"Yeah," Curtis said, and now he looked less suspicious than before. He even looked, for just a split second, like he was approving of Jack. "Yet here we are."

"There's a cycle," Gilliam said from behind him, closer now. "There's a cycle of birth and death."

"And regeneration," Jack said, still staring intently at him.

"The cycle ends now!" Curtis said. "This time we take the engine. No more revolts. No more children taken."

"Except the deaths to take the engine," Gilliam said quietly.

"It'll be the end of it then," Curtis said. "When we take the engine, it'll mean no more killing. No more living like this. No more dying like this."

"They're killing us anyway," Edgar said, and the people around him nodded too. Edgar maybe had an idea of death that was outsized in this little train. At least that's what Curtis told him once, one of the perils of being a train baby in the tail section. Edgar didn't have anything normal to compare to. All he knew was the cycles of the train: going round the globe once a year, passing the Yekaterina Bridge, with an extra protein bar to celebrate, the guards coming once a day with protein bars, and less predictably, tail section passengers being taken, usually children but sometimes others, and the riots.

Those were even more infrequent but even more predictable, Curtis said. Four years before, there'd been a riot; they'd come to take some children, killed their parents in front of everyone. There'd been no food delivered for a long, long time, so when the doors had finally opened, the people at the front of the car had rushed forward.

Curtis had kept Edgar at the back. He'd said he'd never trusted the judgment of hungry crowds. And he'd been right. Almost everyone in the front of the tail section had been killed. The bodies had been taken away and they'd been given sand and rags to scrub the blood away. Edgar still remembered the buckets of sand. Curtis had told them if they'd had water they could build sand castles, and he told them about beaches with sand as far as you could see, and water even farther than you could see, and waves and starfish. All the grownups had had wet eyes at the end of the story, even Curtis. But Gilliam had gone beyond his curtain and not come out for a long time. When he finally emerged, he'd looked even older and frailer than before, and - for the first time - Edgar had wondered what would happen when Gilliam died. But if he dared bring it up to Curtis, Curtis was adamant that he was no leader. He wouldn't ever say why, just that he wasn't qualified.

"Four seconds," Curtis said. "That's how much time we have to break through to the prison car."

"There's a plan?" Jack said, and it wasn't quite a question but Curtis nodded anyway, then jerked his chin at the bench next to Gilliam. Jack sat down, still looking at Gilliam, but Edgar had heard this all before, so he tuned it out after the words "Namgoong Minsu" and instead studied Jack.

Later on, in their bunks, he tried to talk to Curtis again about Gilliam, but Curtis shut him down again. Sometimes Edgar got the feeling Curtis was deliberately misinterpreting what he said just so he could get mad and not talk.

And then the alarm went off, way off schedule. Edgar knew what that meant: either they were coming to take away another tail section passenger - maybe a trumpet player this time, maybe someone up front was trying to get the band back together - or they were coming for more kids.

MacGregor's son had been taken when Edgar's voice was just starting to change. MacGregor hadn't really had a plan, not like Curtis, but the tail section had managed to kill several guards before reinforcements showed up. Andy's mother had died in that revolt, and so had Lou, the woman who'd raised Edgar along with Curtis. He still had to swallow hard when he thought about her, staring at the roof of the train with sightless eyes before Curtis had pushed him away and barked at everyone to keep him away.

But just as bad was that no one knew why they took the kids, two at a time, and always the same size. They never came back. Sometimes Edgar hoped they were alive but they'd never be seen again, so it was all the same to the tail section, alive or dead. He tried not to think about it too much. But he'd noticed they were mostly the small, nimble kids, like Timmy, and he'd often thought he ought to have been taken, except that when he was little they weren't taking kids, Curtis said.

He heard the word "medical" and for sure that was more kids gone. It was certain when the fat woman showed up, in a yellow coat this time, and Edgar wanted to wipe the floor with her smug round face. She grabbed Andy first, not surprising, and it was all Edgar could do to contain himself. He didn't know where Jack was but he was glad that he wasn't there to see it, to see Andrew losing it. Gilliam must have warned Jack to stay out of sight. The guards almost never went back to Gilliam's retreat. They'd gone back there after the last riot, of course; Edgar remembered the eerie sound of the heavy tread of their boots, shaking the floor of the train along with the rattle of the wheels beneath. He'd felt it in his bones, trapped beneath Curtis in a high bunk, pressed against the side of the train, Curtis telling him it was going to be okay.

But then the yellow-coated bitch targeted Tanya. Sometimes Edgar wondered how they knew what was going on. He'd asked if they could have cameras back there. Not that he knew what a camera was, but he knew that cameras made pictures, like Davy's. Curtis had shaken his head: he'd swept all the cars, he said, and he'd never found a thing. But who knew? Anyway, the yellow-coated bitch seemed to know who Tanya was, and that meant she knew about Timmy, and for a few hopeful seconds Edgar thought Timmy would get away, cause he was a nimble little sod. But they hauled him out, upside down like he wasn't even human, and the yellow-coated bitch measured him with her stupid goddamn tape measure while the soldiers beat Tanya down into the ground and Curtis trembled next to him, barely containing his rage.

It was when the yellow-coated bitch started to leave, though, that everything went pear-shaped. Andrew heaved a shoe at her, catching her right on the face. Edgar had heard of what happened next but he'd never seen it. He'd never seen the guys in suits, prepping Andy's arm and then sticking it outside while the soldiers stood over them. He hoped he wouldn't be sick. He wondered how many people in the tail section had lost arms this way, frozen solid and banged right off, and it wasn't until he heard a low mutter behind him that he realized Gilliam was there, Jack standing off in the shadows near him.

It was funny, he could feel the waves of anger rolling off Jack. It was a fresh, new feeling. All the anger in the tail section tended to be the long, slow simmer, like Curtis and Gilliam. Jack's anger was fresh and new and furious. When the doors finally clanged shut, Curtis and Jack were off to Gilliam's like a shot, and right after that the plan crystallized. Edgar was part of the team gathering barrels for the battering ram. He heard Jack and Curtis and Gilliam talking more about the no bullets theory of Curtis', but Edgar didn't even care any more. If there were bullets, there were bullets - "So it is," echoed in his head. If there weren't, there weren't. "After all," he said to nobody in particular, watching Davy draw the men wrapping steel around the barrels, "they'd have to run out of soldiers too, eventually."

"Now that's true," Jack said from behind him, and how did such a big man move so quietly? "It's not long enough to even begin replacing the population."

"There always seem to be enough soldiers," Curtis said from behind Jack. "And they're not from the tail section."

"What was that woman the minister of?" Jack asked. "Is there a government?"

That was a good question. The tail section had a school, of sorts. There were several books hidden away and even one small dog-eared dictionary. Curtis traded Kronole for paper for Davy and for the kids to learn to write. But anything like civics and government was nothing but words to the train babies. "Academic," Gilliam had said once, a little smile on his face. There were no elections. The tail section was a group of people all in the same mess, and problems were solved with words - mostly from Gilliam and the other older passengers, especially the ones with bits missing - and sometimes with fists. Sometimes people went crazy, and the soldiers came and took them away. Sometimes people curled up and died, like Timmy's father, right after Timmy took his first steps.

"Of the train?" Edgar hazarded, and Curtis shrugged, quirking an eyebrow at him, which from Curtis was as good as a laugh.


	2. Dark, Dark, No Light

It turned out Edgar was wrong about the soldiers. There was an entire car packed with men in black with sharp hatchets. They were all wearing knitted hoods on their eyes - it was the kind of headgear that Lou had called a balaclava. There wasn't anything about the situation that looked good, but they'd found Nam, they'd gotten into the food car, and Edgar had seen outside for the first time in his entire life. He wasn't feeling invincible, exactly, but he was feeling a lot more confident than he had.

"Why are they wearing balaclavas?" Jack said under his breath, and it was funny to hear him say it with an American accent, not the proper way it should be said at all. So Edgar said, "Balaclava," back to him, so he could hear it, and one corner of Jack's mouth lifted in a lightning quick grin.

"Be careful," Curtis said, his face and voice grim, and Edgar realized for the first time that Curtis thought he was a man now: he wasn't trying to hold Edgar back, wasn't pushing him into the bunk. No, he was standing shoulder to shoulder with Curtis and Jack like he belonged there.

"You too," he said, and then the fighting started.

It stopped only for the bridge, and the new year, and then the icefall on the tracks, and while Edgar barely had time to breathe, he did have time to notice the clean efficiency Jack fought with, and the grim, single-minded determination that Curtis fought with.

But then the train swept around another curve and the tenor of the car changed. The tail section was still pushing forward but the balaclava'd soldiers seemed to be waiting for something. Jack seemed to realize it even before Yona translated for her father, clinging to his back like a little monkey. "Night vision goggles," he breathed at the same time Yona was telling them they were fucked.

"Fall back!" Curtis bellowed, an edge in his voice Edgar had never heard before. He tried not to panic but it was hard: the darkness was absolute, complete, and he could only concentrate on the sounds in front of him and the press of bodies at his back.

But then Curtis remembered Nam's matches, and Chan, and he bellowed again for Chan, for fire. Edgar took up the cry, echoing it, and so did others around him. It seemed like less than a minute and there were pinpricks of light in the distance. They grew brighter and closer and closer still, and there was Andrew, carrying a torch in his left hand, and the whole car was full of enough light to see everything. The soldiers fell back, and the tail section surged forward. Edgar caught sight of Minister Mason, her face slack-jawed in amazement, before he dived under a soldier and came up behind him to slice him in the back.

He could tell Curtis had a goal and he realized all at once Curtis was making for the minister. Her two bodyguards - the ones who'd taken Andrew's arm off - were fighting in the mix too. Edgar saw the dark haired one fight past him, but the blond one stayed closer to the minister. Then he disappeared too, and Curtis had a clear shot, throwing his knife and catching her in her leg. Another soldier tried to drag her to safety and Edgar tried to move up to help catch her, but suddenly there was an arm around his throat and he was pulled back against the dark haired bodyguard. "Curtis!" he shouted, panicked, trying to get free. Too late, he realized he'd fallen into a trap: the dark haired bodyguard held a knife to his throat and he saw him nod at Curtis expectantly. Curtis looked at Edgar, and then past Edgar, over his shoulder, and then turned and surged forward, going for the minister.

Edgar closed his eyes and swallowed hard; he knew the minister was more important than anything else, and he knew Curtis knew he could take care of himself. He sagged against the bodyguard, like he'd given up, and then elbowed him as hard as he could in his stomach and twisting under his arm. The bodyguard choked and grabbed at him, the knife blade catching enough light to flash in the corner of Edgar's eye. And then there were hands on either side of his head and Edgar could have sworn he heard the man's spine snap. Jack pushed the man's body to one side and Edgar grabbed the knife off the floor by his hand and spun around to fight through. Just then the minister screamed at the top of her lungs for everyone to stop.

Curtis had reached her. He'd reached her and he had a knife to her throat and she was begging for her life. Everyone else had stopped and was staring at her except the blond bodyguard, who was rushing towards Jack like a - well, like a train. Yona was between the blond bodyguard and Jack and suddenly so was Nam, tripping the man. Edgar wasn't sure exactly what Yona did but suddenly the blond bodyguard went limp, a spike sticking out of his back. He grabbed Yona's face, covering her in blood, and Nam smashed a hatchet through his head and pulled him off Yona, wiping her face.

"That's one I owe you," Jack said to Nam, who still looked a little wild-eyed. Yona was pressed up against him, her face still smeared with blood, looking just as wild-eyed as her father. Up front, the minister was telling Curtis she could guarantee safe passage. Edgar looked at Jack, who shrugged.

Curtis wanted to tie the soldiers up and leave some of the team to guard them. Jack and Edgar were all for killing them all - "They were going to kill us," Edgar pointed out. But Curtis shook his head, so they tied them up, good and tight, and Jack set them all out so they weren't near each other. Edgar overheard him giving instructions to the team that was going to look after them.

"If they get free, they'll kill you," Jack was saying. "You can't hesitate to kill them."

Just then there was a murmur from the back and the crowd separated to let Gilliam through. Grey ran to greet him, and Gilliam winced.

"Survivors! Wash yourselves!" he said, loud enough for everyone to hear. "Wash away the blood!"

Grey grinned at him and grabbed Edgar by the arm. Tanya was ahead of them. Edgar had never seen so much water in his life; Tanya had to show him and Grey how a shower worked. There were clean clothes, too, in cabinets at the end. And the water was warm and clean and when it got in his mouth, it didn't taste like anything he'd ever had before. It wasn't dank or sour or metallic. It was amazing.

They took so much time in the shower that Gilliam and Curtis had settled in to rest by the time they came back. Tanya had disappeared a while ago; Edgar guessed she'd gone to the back for something. He looked around for Jack but didn't see him, so he settled himself in next to Curtis, who shifted over to make room for him. On Gilliam's other side, Grey lay down on the floor and closed his eyes, patting Gilliam's leg. Gilliam patted him too, absently, and then picked up the conversation he must have been having with Curtis.

"So many have been killed."

"We need to take the engine or it won't ever stop," Curtis said. "Go forward fast, a small team."

"I'll only slow you down," Gilliam said.

"Three teams," Jack said, coming out of the shadows with Tanya. "The ones guarding the prisoners, a team with Gilliam, and the strike force for the engine."

"I don't need a team," Gilliam said.

"You do," Curtis and Jack said, right at the same time, and Edgar had to laugh.

"Keep them armed, keep Gilliam safe," Jack said to Curtis. "I'll stay with Gilliam."

"We'll need him to lead the train," Curtis said, nodding.

"My time is over," Gilliam said. "I'm a shadow of my shadows. There's no time left, it's all gone, Curtis. You're the leader now."

"Never," Curtis said. "You know I'm not qualified."

Gilliam reached out for Curtis' arm and pushed up his sleeve. Edgar peered over along with everyone else but all he saw was an old scar. "Better to have both arms. You can't do a lot with one, you know."

"I'm not-"

"When you get to the car with the narrow bridge," Gilliam said, overriding Curtis, "there will be a door. Wilford's behind that door. Don't... Don't let him talk," and Gilliam sounded unbearably sad all at once. "Cut out his tongue."

"He talks people into things?" Jack asked, but Gilliam didn't answer, and it didn't seem to bother Jack.

"First things first," Curtis said. "We'll take the engine and figure out the rest. Nam, Yona, Edgar, Tanya, and me."

"What about me?" Andrew said from beyond the circle of light. "Please, Curtis."

"How did you end up here?" Jack said to Gilliam.

"In the tail section?" Gilliam looked confused.

"Sure," Jack said, like he was talking to a kid.

Edgar knew this story. Gilliam was supposed to be in the front but when he realized what was going on in the tail section, he'd come back and joined them. He'd gone without food and water like the rest, even though every so often, Curtis said, someone had come from the front to try to convince him to come back. But Gilliam had told them he rejected their premise, and it had taken a while for Curtis to explain to Edgar what that meant.

"What about the train?" Jack asked when Curtis had finished explaining. Gilliam sat with his eyes closed, but Edgar knew he wasn't asleep. "Do you remember getting on the train?"

"It was so long ago," Gilliam said, after such a long time that Edgar thought maybe he was asleep after all. "I don't really... The train was there, it had stopped. No. No. I was on it already."

"At the front," Curtis said.

"At the front, in the very front," Gilliam said, but it was hard to say if he was just repeating what Curtis had said or if he meant the front.

"Change of plans," Jack said to Curtis. "I'll join your strike force team. Grey can stay with Gilliam. I think he can keep him safe."

"I think the army's gone," Edgar said. "How many more can there be?"

"Only one way in or out," Jack said. "You might have a point. But still. We don't leave anyone alone, we don't leave anyone behind."

"That's a comforting thought to go to sleep on," Edgar said, and he didn't realize until he said it that he'd said it out loud. But it made Jack laugh, and even Curtis cracked a tiny smile before gruffly telling Edgar to go to sleep because morning would be here soon.

***

It was amazing how quickly you got used to windows, Edgar thought. Because when he woke up, there was light streaming in through them and it seemed natural, just like it seemed natural to be able to look out and see mountains streaming by. He and Yona looked out the windows for a while, until everyone else was up and ready.

"TV kids," Curtis said, passing behind them and ruffling Edgar's hair. "Staring at a box."

"Staring from a box," Edgar said.

"Schrödinger's window," Jack said, pulling the minister to her feet by her cuffed hands. "Let's get a move on."

"Be on the alert," Gilliam said. "We don't know what lies ahead."

"And they've had as much time to regroup as we've had," Curtis said. "Come on, Minister Mason."

Gilliam had always told them that one of the reasons the human race had survived for so long was because of their adaptability. Edgar's adaptability had been stretched more than he'd ever imagined possible in the past few days. But that was nothing compared to what came next. A car with plants, with sunshine, with soil. He saw Nam giving soil to Yona and heard her ask if she could eat it. Edgar knew what soil was, and he even knew what a plant was, at least theoretically. Davy had drawn a lot of things. In the part of the tail they used for a school room, he'd even tried to draw a mural for them of the way it looked outside, before the snow.

But Edgar had never imagined what plants smelled like, or tasted like. Tanya took a red globe off a plant, so Edgar did too. The people in the garden car, working, tried to stop them but Minister Mason waved them off. Then Tanya bit into it, so Edgar did too. He immediately spat it out: he'd never tasted anything like that. He remembered the steak, vaguely, but he had no taste memory of ever eating anything but a protein bar. "It's a tomato," Tanya said to him. "It's a tomato."

"It tastes like light exploding in my mouth," Edgar said, and he took another bite, more cautious this time, almost running over Nam, who'd stopped to stare out the window. "Sorry!" he said, following Yona into the next car. There were creatures all around them, overhead and alongside. Fish, he thought. That must be what fish looked like. These had once lived in all the oceans and seas, and might still live underneath the ice, or at least that's what Gilliam thought. Up ahead, the minister was talking about something called sushi while they all stood at a long bar with a man in a funny hat. Tanya sat down so Edgar sat next to her, and he copied how she was eating the food. It was raw fish, she whispered to him. Raw fish with rice. Edgar liked the rice part; it was sour and sweet and the grains rolled in his mouth like little tiny balls. The fish was kind of like the protein bar, which Curtis made the minister eat. If she was used to eating tomatoes and sushi, Edgar could see why she made a face.

What he couldn't see - not after seeing the rest of the train - was why they _had_ to live on protein bars. He'd heard the minister telling Curtis that it was only offered twice a year, this sushi, but it seemed to him that twice a year was plenty to share with the whole train, even if everyone only got one piece. Instead all the sushi was in the front and the tail section got protein bars.

After the sushi, they kept moving. One of the cars was cold, with big lumps of things hanging from the ceiling. Tanya pointed to a smaller lump and said it was chicken, and when Edgar asked if that was how you ate it, she laughed and so did everyone else except Nam, who was muttering to Curtis about Kronole. So far the minister had been opening the doors for them but Curtis said that Nam would still get the Kronole.

After the next car the minister started to balk. She wanted Curtis to take off the handcuffs. Of course he said no, he wasn't stupid. But she found a cloth to drape over her hands "for the sake of the children," or some such thing, she'd said. And the next car was indeed children.

It was a school room car. Once again, it wasn't at all full. Edgar looked at Curtis, who looked back at him, and he knew they were thinking the same thing: why all this, when the tail section lived two and three to a bunk? But Tanya saw a little boy the same color as Timmy. For some reason all the children were wearing masks. Edgar knew it wouldn't be Timmy - nothing was ever that easy - and sure enough it wasn't. But Andrew started showing the kids his picture of Andy, and then so did Tanya. One little boy stood up and said he'd seen them go through the car. “At least it’s something,” Edgar whispered to Tanya. “At least he’s still alive.”

Then the teacher started to tell the class all about the Frozen Seven. Edgar noticed that Nam and Yona were staring intently out the window and he went closer. Nam had been up and down the train a lot, if he'd installed the doors, and he already knew things. He knew about the Frozen Seven, that much was clear. And more than the teacher, because he was telling Yona a lot more than she did. Edgar tugged on Yona's arm when he was finished talking. She turned around quickly and her eyes were shiny. "He said that is Inuit cleaning lady," she said. "From front section. She taught him about snow and ice and cold. She thought they could survive."

Edgar stared at her, his mind whirling in shock. She hadn't survived. But how had they gotten off the train? The only thing he knew was the hole in the tail section where people put arms to freeze them. He had so many questions and no one to answer them. He stared for a long time at where the Frozen Seven were, even when he couldn't see them any more, while the teacher sang a song, brought Gerald, from the tail section, who played the violin and acted like he didn’t recognize any of them. And then a man brought in a cart full of eggs, handing a basket to the teacher too.

"I thought eggs were extinct," Tanya said, staring at the cart. There was a funny smell, and the teacher was saying something about how the eggs were boiled in the sacred water of the fucking eternal engine. Curtis wasn't much for religion, and Lou hadn't been either. So the way these front section people talked about the engine was creepy. There wasn't anything sacred about an engine. It was man made. Every part of the train was man made, even the part where some of the people treated the rest like shit just because they didn't have a ticket. "And you can't buy a ticket now," he'd told Curtis and Lou once. "What about the train babies? We didn't even get a chance to buy a ticket and we never will."

"The whole shite system's fucking corrupt," Lou had said.

"What's the alternative?" Curtis had said. "Frozen death." He hadn't waited for Lou to come up with an answer. He'd just stalked away.

Edgar took the egg the bald man was holding out to him. He saw Tanya crack her egg on the head of the snippy little girl, so he did the same. Tanya peeled off the shell and Edgar imitated her. The egg was slippery under the shell and the smell was stronger.

"This isn't a steam engine," Jack said, stepping in front of the man with the cart, who was trying to push past him. "It can't be. That technology wouldn't-"

"Trap!" Curtis shouted, jumping forward to grab the cart. The man tried to reach down into the eggs but Edgar leapt across the aisle and smashed him into a desk. The teacher had pulled a gun out of the basket of eggs she'd been handed and she started to fire wildly across the car. Edgar ducked behind the desk where he'd landed and he saw Tanya on the floor across the aisle from him. Then the cart moved and he was looking at Andrew's face, eyes open, staring at the ceiling. There was blood on his shirt.

Then there was firing from the other end of the car. There'd been guns in those eggs, Edgar thought tardily. Bullets weren't extinct. Curtis and Jack had found them. There were a few more shots and then Curtis strode down the aisle, pulling Tanya up and nodding at Edgar. "All clear," he said, and then he fired once more. When Edgar peeked up over the desk, he saw the teacher in a pool of blood by the piano. Behind him, the bald man was sprawled across two desks, face down and unmoving. In the rear of the car, the minister was on her knees, and when Curtis walked back down the car, she started to talk quickly, frantically. But Curtis didn't even pause: he put the gun to her head and squeezed the trigger.

“Fuck,” Edgar said, staring at where her head used to be.

“There’s at least some guns,” Curtis said. He started to say more but Gerald rushed down the aisle just then.

“Doris?” he said, and he looked normal again.

“She’s okay,” Tanya said.

“She’s back with Gilliam,” Edgar added.

“Can I go? Can I go to her?” Gerald asked Curtis. Curtis looked at Jack and then back at Lionel.

“You might be killed,” Curtis said slowly. “We don’t know who or what is behind us. Gilliam’s coming up with Grey and the others.”

“I’m willing to risk it,” Gerald said.

“I’m not,” Curtis said, sounding impatient.

“Wait,” Tanya said, scrabbling in the cart. “There’s more guns in here.”

“Can you shoot a gun?” Jack asked, and Gerald nodded. “Will you shoot a gun?”

“If I have to.”

“You saw the trap,” Curtis said. “You know the risk. Anyone in any car might have a gun stashed.”

“I know,” Gerald said. “Doris and I have been married for almost four decades, Curtis. And I can warn Gilliam about the others.”

“I can only give you one gun,” Curtis said. “I can’t risk them taking the guns from you.”

“I know,” Gerald said again. “Please, Curtis. Please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, Tanya hit that. What, you wouldn't?


	3. Never Give Up, Never Give In

After a hasty regrouping in the front of the school car, Curtis and Jack decided to move forward. Jack had agreed with Curtis; he’d even said it would benefit Gilliam to know what they’d tried to pull up here, and that bullets weren’t extinct after all. “Don’t show your gun unless you have to,” he’d said to Gerald. “Walk with purpose.”

So they headed forward again, and every car they went through seemed different from the last. Edgar had no idea - literally - what some of the things he was seeing were. Tanya explained now and then, and Curtis added a few words, but Edgar’s head was spinning. Curtis didn’t seem to be overwhelmed, but he knew what all the stuff they were passing was, or was for, so maybe that wasn’t so surprising. There were dentists, and hairdressers, and tailors. There was a library - “Books!” Tanya said, exactly the same way she’d said “butter” when she’d been talking about lobster. There were party cars, or so they seemed: Edgar guessed the front section had as little to do as the tail section, when all was said and done. The only people who seemed to work were the soldiers, and the people who kept the train cars running.

Nam and Yona kept collecting Kronole, both from Curtis and from people they passed. One car they went through, a car that was thick with smoke and strange smells, Nam and Yona grabbed coats too, coats and Kronole that was sitting on the table, and Edgar wondered what it was like to have Kronole as a refuge. Curtis had been dead set against it, so Edgar had never done much beyond the odd sniff. But it seemed like lifeblood to Nam and Yona.

They were getting closer, Jack said: the next car had instruments and flashing lights and dials on both sides, behind metal screens, attended by incurious people who barely looked up as they all crossed the car. Then they were there, the car Gilliam had told Curtis about. There was a huge open space, and then an opening across almost two thirds of the car with only a narrow bridge joining the front to the back. At the other end of the car was a giant Wilford seal on the door, and a chill went down Edgar’s spine. How would they get that open? And what was on the other side?

Curtis was first across the bridge and he flew at the door, banging on the seal with both hands. Jack and Nam pulled him back.

“Should we try to get in?” Curtis said to Nam. “Or wait for Gilliam?”

“Shall I go back and see how far Gilliam’s gotten?” Edgar said, chiming in.

“Can you open this door?” Curtis asked Nam, and Nam shook his head.

Between the translator and Yona, Edgar finally was able to follow the gist of it. Nam didn’t want to take the engine. In fact, Nam didn’t seem to give a right shit about the train at all. He’d been collecting the Kronole because it was flammable, and he’d been planning to blow up the train. He was convinced they could survive outside. He said he had seen snow, and it couldn’t snow unless it was warm enough. He said he’d seen open water through the window where the plants were.

“You’re fucking crazy,” Edgar said, staring. “You’re a Kronole addict, you didn’t see snow or open water. Andrew’s arm froze solid in eight minutes.”

Curtis looked like he agreed, but before he could say anything, Jack raised a hand. “Hear him out,” Jack said. “The system’s corrupt.”

“We can’t survive out there!” Curtis said. “What about the Frozen Seven?”

“That was fifteen years ago,” Yona said after a quick conversation with her father. “Fifteen years. He says he has seen a plane every year. At first it was only the tail. He can now see the wings and body. The snow is melting.”

Just then there was a cranking sound and the panel behind Edgar creaked. He spun around just in time to see the woman who’d taken Timmy staring down a gun at him. “Bitch!” he shouted at the same time as Tanya shouted, “Where’s my boy? Where’s Timmy?”

The woman squeezed the trigger - Edgar saw it happening in slow motion, like - just as Jack smashed the butt of his gun down on her head from behind. Edgar felt a stinging pain in his arm, but the woman was dead or knocked out. While Tanya poked none-too-gently at Edgar’s arm, Jack tied up the woman.

“You’ll live,” Tanya pronounced finally. “It grazed you. It’ll bleed, of course.”

“Could have been worse,” Edgar said, shrugging.

“Much worse,” Curtis said, and he squeezed Edgar’s good arm.

Jack jerked his head at the partly open door and Curtis nodded. They took up positions on either side of the opening and then Jack slid around, keeping his head low. A shot rang out and Jack popped back into sight. “One man, one handgun,” he said. “No way to tell if he’s got more.”

“Surrender or die,” Curtis called, and that made Edgar snort a little laugh. Too bad Grey wasn’t already here; he’d make short work of that guy.

“No kids?” Tanya whispered to Jack, who shook his head.

“There’s got to be more,” Curtis whispered back. “Don’t give up yet.”

“I ain’t givin’ up, not now, not ever,” Tanya said fiercely.

A voice called out from inside the front car. “Has my dear friend Gilliam arrived yet?”

“Come out and see for yourself,” Curtis said.

“Curtis, you are to be congratulated,” the voice inside the car said. “You’ve made it farther than anyone at any time. This was a remarkably unsuccessful culling. I’m sure Gilliam will agree. Far too many of our people died.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Edgar saw movement at the other end of the car. In another moment, Gilliam was standing there, Grey at his side.

The voice from the front was still talking, saying something about 74% and how his dear friend Gilliam would agree with the necessity. “You need chaos and fear to keep life going,” the voice said. “Gilliam knows. If you don’t have it, you must invent it.”

“Of course,” Jack said under his breath. Curtis looked over at him sharply, then at Gilliam, who shook his head.

“You said to cut out his tongue,” Curtis whispered to Gilliam.

“He’s the prince of lies,” Gilliam said. “I believed his lies for too long. There have been too many deaths. Too many times. How many children have died? How many?”

“Two point four seven billion,” Jack said, staring at Gilliam again. “On Gallifrey.”

Gilliam stared back at Jack, and he looked more lost and confused than anyone ever had. “I don’t... know what you mean.”

“How many children had to die that day?” Jack said. “How many were sacrificed?”

“Tens, to save hundreds,” Gilliam said.

“Millions, to save billions,” Jack said right back.

“My head...” Gilliam said, and he staggered backward. Edgar and Curtis stepped forward but Grey was already there.

“It is you, my old friend,” and there was a balding old man in odd, shiny clothes looking around the half-open door with a gun pointed at Gilliam.

“We are not friends, Wilford,” Gilliam said. In the shadows by the door, Tanya crept closer. Edgar tried not to look at her; he looked at Wilford instead.

“I must insist you drop your guns,” Wilford said. “Gilliam and I need to have a talk, man to man.”

“I don’t think so,” Curtis said. “Whatever you have to say to him you can say to us.”

“There’s only one thing I need to say to you,” Wilford said, and the worst part about him was the way he talked so pleasantly, just like the minister, just like everything was fine. “Are you qualified to lead with two arms?”

At that moment, Tanya sprang on him, knocking him to the ground and sending his gun flying. While Jack tied him up, the rest of them went around that half open door and into the engine compartment. It was kind of a let down, Edgar decided. He’d been expecting huge  noises and heat and all that. But it was sleek and shiny and even quiet, in a way.

Then Yona rushed forward and started scrabbling at the floor with both hands. They followed her, Edgar and Curtis kneeling to help. Finally one of them managed to pry up an edge. The whole panel came out, and they lifted it off. Then they were staring into the engine, or at least part of it... and a part that had a child in the midst of all the machinery.

“Holy fuck!” Curtis said. “It’s Timmy! Timmy!”

Tanya rushed to the opening and stared down. The little boy in the floor didn’t look up or respond, even when Tanya said his name, even when she started crying. Jack hauled Wilford in and dumped him in a heap on the floor.

“This is what you take the children for?” Curtis was standing over Wilford. “This?”

“The engine is eternal,” Wilford said. “But not all the parts are, and not all of them can be manufactured. Come now, Curtis, Gilliam knows the ruling principle is the greatest happiness for the greatest number. This train is the world. We are the humanity. It is your responsibility to lead it now.”

“The train won’t run without children,” Curtis said, slowly.

“Yes, yes,” Wilford said. “That is the point. The tail section produces very little of use to the rest of us. Except these children.”

What happened next happened so fast Edgar hardly had time to blink. Gilliam was standing there in the doorway while Curtis was leaning down over Wilford. A blade flashed and then there was blood everywhere and Curtis was striding over to Gilliam, something bloody in the palm of his hand. Wilford slumped to the floor, choking and gagging. 

“Here’s your blood,” he said to Gilliam. “Here’s his tongue.” He jerked his head at Nam and Yona. “Get ready to go.” He dug his other hand in his pocket and pulled it out filled with the rest of the Kronole, shoving it at the two of them, and then he turned and dragged Wilford out of the compartment.

“Timmy!” Tanya said, and there were tears rolling down her face.

“Come, come,” Gilliam said. “Where there’s life, Tanya.” He stood next to her and studied the machinery for a long moment, and then he reached down with his umbrella hand and stuck it right into the middle of the mix.

Everything stopped. It was like even the train was holding its breath. Edgar could feel the machinery straining under his feet. Then suddenly an alarm went off and another part of the train, in the very front this time, began to slide open just as a door in the wall opened and another little boy got out. “Andy?” Edgar said, but the boy didn’t answer. He just kept walking, up to where the engine was protruding. “Andy!”

When Andy still didn’t answer, Edgar took a flying leap and tackled him right down to the ground. Andy lay still, passive.

“Jam that open with something,” Jack said urgently. “We’ve got to get in there.”

Edgar cast around for something, then saw the table and chairs that were set up for WIlford’s dinner. There was even china on the table. Edgar had never seen china plates before. But he pulled the table out and let them fall crashing to the ground and jammed it in the opening. Meanwhile Tanya was pulling Timmy up and out while the engine strained and strained. Just as Timmy came out of the hole, Gilliam’s umbrella arm cracked under the strain and the engine wheezed, like it was wounded, like it was trying to come back to life. In a way, Edgar guessed, it was.

“The Kronole is set,” Yona said, coming back in with Nam. “The fuse will go off now.”

“Brakes would have been better,” Jack said under his breath. “Let’s hope we don’t end up on a mountain side.”

Gilliam heard him and looked up at him, and Edgar was amazed to see a smile on his face and even his eyes. “Beggars can’t be choosers, they say.”

“Close this door,” Yona said, and she flipped the switch that made the heavy door move back into place.

The explosion, when it came, was louder and less dramatic than Edgar had expected. He supposed the big heavy door had muffled a lot of the blast and the shock. The train rattled and shook and then tumbled onto its side and lay still. They were all in a heap together. Yona was the first up; she went back to the console and flipped the switch the other way, to open the door again. There was a blast of chilled air; now Edgar saw the point of the coats they had been gathering.

“My father says we go out,” Yona said. They all got to their feet and joined her, pulling on the coats Nam was handing out, except for Jack, who’d gone up the steps to the part where the engine push-out was braced open.

“Jack!” Edgar called. Curtis and Tanya and Timmy were already bundled up and heading out. But Edgar was just as curious as ever so he ran up the steps to join Jack in peering into the rest of what he supposed was Wilford’s eternal engine.

“It could never be eternal,” Gilliam said from behind them both, looking up at them. “The parts were already wearing out.”

“They were,” Jack said over his shoulder. “And no way to regenerate, am I right? Oh ho, there you are, my lovely.”

Edgar looked around Jack into the compartment inside the pullout. That must have been used rarely, he guessed. It didn’t seem easy to get to. But there was a bookshelf there, and a stuffed chair, and, in one corner, a large blue box with windows and a word across the top.

“It’s here,” Jack said to Gilliam. “The TARDIS is here. It must have been here all along.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Gilliam said.

“Do you have a watch of some kind?” Jack asked. “Edgar, do you know, does Curtis know, does he have a watch? Did he ever?”

“They took everything away from the tail section,” Edgar said. He’d heard that so many times, how they’d smuggled books and hidden this and that.

“From the tail section,” Jack said. “The Doc-Gilliam didn’t start out in the tail section.”

“A watch?” Gilliam said slowly, and he scrabbled around his neck with his one good hand. “I have an old watch, yes. It was my father’s. No one had any interest in it, since it’s broken.”

“Take a look at it,” Jack said, his voice soft and urgent all at the same time.

Gilliam pulled it out, finally, and now Edgar vaguely remembered seeing it, or perhaps Curtis telling him about it.

“A _good_ look,” Jack said.

Gilliam turned the watch over and then flicked it open with one finger. What happened next Edgar couldn’t describe in a thousand years. There was a buzz or a hum or something, some energy in the air, and all at once Gilliam straightened up and stared intently at Jack.

“I don’t know you,” he said.

“You _don’t_ know me,” Jack said. “I’m a Time Agent. I came to find you. My partner and I have been looking for you for a while now. You disappeared completely after the - after Gallifrey... fell. Some said you were dead.”

“Gallifrey fell,” Gilliam echoed, and Edgar hads a fantastical moment of imagining millions of voices ringing through Gilliam’s.

“A Chameleon Arch?” Jack said, coming back down the stairs. “Made you almost impossible to track down, thanks for that.”

“Gallifrey... fell,” Gilliam said again.

“Never give up,” Jack said gently, putting a hand on Gilliam’s shoulder. “Never give in. We heard that somewhere. It was the motto of the Time Agency for a while, until they hired some kind of branding consultant. Now our motto is something awe-inspiring, like ‘a stitch in time saves nine.’”

“He didn’t give up,” Curtis said from behind them. “He didn’t let us give up. Do you know what happened to his arm? His leg? He sacrificed those because we - we were trapped, a thousand people in a metal box, no food, no water. Wilford’s soldiers took everything. A thousand people... after a month we began eating the weak. We began eating children. Babies. And one day a man killed a woman and took her baby to eat. Gilliam cut off his arm. He cut off his arm and said to that man, ‘Eat that instead.’ And one after another people began to do the same. A month later, the protein bars showed up.”

Curtis looked at Edgar and Edgar looked back at him. “You were that baby,” Curtis said quietly. “I was that man.”

“You _were_ that man,” Gilliam said, just as quietly. “You’re not any more.”


	4. Epilogue

Jack and Gilliam - the Doctor, Jack said, was what Gilliam went by to the rest of the universe - stuck around for a few more weeks while we figured out what we had and how to make things work in the new world. Our new world, the one that wasn’t a train and wasn’t the Earth the people who’d come onto the train eighteen years ago had grown to know.

The first thing Timmy and Yona had seen outside had been a polar bear. Nam said it was a healthy polar bear, so that meant it was eating something. The train had derailed not far from a tunnel, and a lot of the cars were usable, including the garden car, which had also derailed inside the tunnel. Jack and Curtis and the Doctor set to work on a conservatory in the snow. Curtis was using the work to avoid me, until finally one morning he was there alone, working. He wouldn't look me in the eye so we worked side by side for a while. Finally I said, without looking at him, "It's not like I didn't already know. Lou told us a long time ago, what it was like at first." 

He didn't answer for a while and then he said, like he was choking something back, "She... didn't tell you all of it." 

That made me laugh, and the way he looked at me, it was plain he was surprised, the way I was taking it. "Come on, Curtis! You think I'm stupid? I copped on a while ago." I didn't tell him what really happened. When we'd get in trouble, us kids, she'd threaten us with Curtis: if we didn't behave, she'd feed us to him herself. 

He finally looked at me, full on, for a long time. "No," he said at last. "I never thought you were stupid, Edgar. I'm just not sure how I'll ever - how I could ever-"

Then Jack called out to us in the distance, waving madly. Curtis had been sending out patrols, usually Nam and someone else, to try to figure out where we were and, more importantly, where the polar bears were getting their food. The patrol had shown up just a few minutes ago. They'd found open water to the north.

After they found the open water, Jack and the Doctor said it was time they were going. Jack said he couldn’t tell us what would happen, but he could tell us he was human, and that this was no ice age. Jack reminded us not to give up or to give in. He said he didn’t want to sound dramatic, like, but the human race did literally hinge on our survival. “No pressure!” he said, winking at us, and then the door on the blue box shut. It started making some noises that sounded like the train all over again and then it disappeared.

**Author's Note:**

> “A few light taps upon the pane made him turn to the window. It had begun to snow again. He watched sleepily the flakes, silver and dark, falling obliquely against the lamplight. The time had come for him to set out on his journey westward. Yes, the newspapers were right: snow was general all over Ireland. It was falling on every part of the dark central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the Bog of Allen and, farther westward, softly falling into the dark mutinous Shannon waves. It was falling, too, upon every part of the lonely churchyard on the hill where Michael Furey lay buried. It lay thickly drifted on the crooked crosses and headstones, on the spears of the little gate, on the barren thorns. His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead.” - James Joyce, "The Dead"


End file.
